Sneaka peek- Penny #4

Lover I don’t have to love

Someone once said to me “love is the biggest time waster”. At first I denied the truth of it, furiously, thinking to myself quietly, “Yeah but Love CAN be useful, like John and Yoko? They used their love to actually do something. People don’t see their love as a waste of time, in fact, they were a force to be reckoned with.” MOST BEATLES FANS WOULD NOT AGREE WITH THIS LOGIC! In fact, quite the opposite. 

Not just content with Splitting up the world’s most famous band, additionally, Yoko made John stay in bed all day with her and talk about an ideal world where animals and humans from all walks of life may live in peace and harmony blah blah blah. If this scenario sounds familiar, like it does to me, then you are in for some bad news. My friend was right, love IS the biggest time waster. 

Love is only groundbreaking, useful or helpful if you are famous, or you are somehow contributing to society in some amazing way, like feeding homeless people because you are inspired by that special someone to make the world a better place. Ok, maybe a bit of an overstatement, but if that ‘special someone’ is turning you into a jealous pathetic fatty with no friends, then maybe it’s time to get out. 

In my year and some months relationship I have missed more parties, opportunities to see friends and/or recreational drug and alcohol abuse + teenage adventuring than I should have. I really believe that. It’s not that we couldn’t have done these things together. 

The problem was, and is, that given the choice, I’d rather curl up in bed and talk about the aforementioned ‘perfect’ society (you know, the only where animals don’t die etc) than go out and destroy brain cells with my friends (like I should be). It’s now at that critical point where it wreaks havoc on my self-esteem, productivity not to mention attractiveness (hello unshaved legs). I’m not proud of it, obviously, but basically it’s the choice between being single and getting my old life back or keeping that person that means so much but wallowing (occasionally) in a frustratingly comfortable middle-class nothingness. The feeling of being empty and complete at the same time (which is the worst type of either, as it’s a greedy, ungrateful emptiness, or an incomplete ‘complete’) And whenever these feelings arrive- it’s straight back to the source of the anguish, like a drug addict, itchy not to miss a fix. Unstoppable and lusting for that feeling of understanding and unconditional love. NOOO! 

When in the past I would have actually gone out, got drunk- and got over it, I now just leave it stewing in a pot hoping I won’t bubble over when someone asks why I didn’t  go to the Cygnet Folk Festival. Is it wrong for an 18 year old to feel like they are ‘settling down’?

Something about that phrase in conjunction with my relationship status makes me reel. Could it really be the case that I would actually prefer to be single? After a day of comfort eating, walking around my room, looking at things and crying because no-one will reply to my texts, I finally sat down and wrote this article, one of it’s kind in many moons. And this pitiful bid to get people to feel sorry for me and forget that I’ve neglected them the past few months is the most proactive I’ve been for Penny for ages. Literally. It makes me feel sick in the stomach. 

SO, to anyone out there- in particular my past or future single self: One GREAT thing about being solo is that, for some reason you always seem to have the drive, passion, creativity and independence to do whatever the fuck you want when you are single- and I don’t just mean in that ‘Night out with the gals spotting man candy’ way. 

What I mean is that because you will have learned to get out of a rut (whether it be creative, social- whatever) independently or with a little help from your friends, you attain a belief in yourself that a boyfriend or girlfriend, unfortunately, cannot give you, but that you end up giving yourself, after walking along the long and winding road- by yourself.